Today I feel confused. It is as if two ropes have been attached to my arms, the ropes are connected to a car, and each car is driving in the opposite direction. Do you get the image? Both cars want me to move into a certain direction, but in the end I’m stuck in the place I was standing. It’s something like this:
So what is the blue car and what is the red car? I’m still struggling to give words to it, but I will try (and for the sake of the analogy, I may exaggerate a little).
The red car is all about Illusion. The driver of the Illusion car knows the world is an illusion. Thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body, it’s all just a dream. We are not the body, not the mind, we are that which observes all of it. When dealing with a problem, the red-car-driver will say: “Take a step back. See that all of it is a belief, a thought. You are not that, observe it.” If you have pain in the body, observe it. If you feel lonely, observe it. If you have intrusive or anxious thoughts, observe them without attaching any meaning to it. The red-car-driver likes to look at whatever happens from a distance. His/her favorite mantra is: “Drop it.”
The blue-car-driver loves Healing. This driver tends to focus on the personal story. Who is your family, what happened in your youth, what heaviness do you carry on your shoulders? When dealing with a problem, the blue-car-driver will ask: “What are you feeling in your body? Feel it, be with it. Are there any memories coming up? When was the first time you felt this emotion?” This driver loves emotions and would like to dive into the depths of them every second of every day. His/her mantra is: “Feel it deeply.”
Now here comes my confusion and uncomfortableness: I would love to follow the red car, but I’m not feeling it. All the cool people are following the red car. All the awakened people that are being looked up to are following this car. The red car is like the fast one. The cool one. The blue car is… kind of lame. It’s being made fun of all the time, like: “Aww you are still stuck in your story, trying to heal your traumas and believing this illusion. Cute.” Yet here I am, more interested in the blue car than the red one at this point in my life. And I’m scared of admitting that, because it feels like a ‘lower’ perspective. But you know what? I want to do emotional healing. I want to know my traumas, my past lives, my subconscious thougths and beliefs, I want to analyse and categorize thoughts and sensations, I want to understand it all. It excites me to try to understand how it all works! How does shame work, and guilt, and sadness, and anxious thoughts? How do they come to exist, and what helps the body and mind relax? How do I get out of behavioral patterns? How does addiction work? Why can’t I stop eating sometimes? What happens if I talk about something shameful? What happens when I feel I’m stuck? What is depression? How does it all work? I love this shit. I LOVE IT.
The only reason I try to follow the red car is because I want people to look up to me and see me as this awakened, wise, ‘high vibe’ person. I want admiration and validation of the cool red-car-people. But you know what?
I’m Petra and at this point in my life, I am a blue-car-person.
And while I’m admitting stuff: I’m super identified with this person, I’m constantly running away from my feelings through food and distraction, I judge others harshly, I sometimes feel hate and disgust towards people, I’m always looking for validation from others, and I’m scared shitless almost always. I also have many beliefs that I want to hold onto, like that I can’t just drop a belief, that I can’t change, that I’m a victim. I love rolling around in the victim role and feeling sorry for myself. Oh and I hate meditating. It’s so boring. I’m just pretending and most of the time I’m stuck in thoughts that go everywhere.
Which car do you follow? Or are you in a completely different car? Let me know 🙂