This weekend I went to London to go to the event ‘The Miracle of Healing’ by Matt Kahn. I was excited at first, but it turned out to be quite a heavy experience. A lot of painful stuff came up, and there was no space or lightness in me. Matt talked about the happiness of just being alive, of having a close, tantric relationship with your breath, and each breath reminding you of how good it is to be alive. For me, each breath felt more like torture and a reminder how much it can hurt to just breathe. How the breath can barely reach into the body, how every inhale feels like being out of breath, and how little aliveness and energy is able to come in through breathing. It was a reminder of how traumatized my system is. How unsafe even just breathing feels. I could feel all the pain, disorientation, sadness and anger within me, boiling in one big pot of confusion. I left that day feeling heavy and shaken up.
Now I am back home and processing all that happened in London. Some memories came up from when I was 18 years old, being in one of the darkest periods of my life. I suddenly saw the depths to which I went back then. I could see myself being in an incredibly vulnerable and painful place. A dark pit, with no ground to stand on, no light, no hope, no help. Waves of anxiety that went much deeper than I can now even imagine. It went to the core of my being. Something in me was so open and vulnerable back then.
I can see how desperately I’m trying to keep myself out of this pit now. How closed off I am most of the time, hardened and protected. I also see that this open and vulnerable part of me is still in that pit, waiting for my help and ability to go back into the depth and be there for myself. And at the same time I can see that I am not yet able to do this. I need more tools, experience and help to go back and bring light into the darkness of that time. For now, all I can do is be gentle with the patterns I use to not fall back into that darkness. To let the ice slowly melt.
At the same time I feel anger about this. Why is nobody talking about this experience? This experience of seeing pain or trauma in yourself, but not being ready to face it. Feeling an emotion arising, but not being in a space where it feels safe enough to actually feel the emotion fully. I hear so many beautiful stories of people finally being able to face a difficult emotion or dive into an old trauma. But what about the times where you can see it, but not do anything about it? What about being stuck in a place where you are so painfully aware of all the shit that goes on inside of you, but it is still too overwhelming to truly face any of it? The space where you eat, drink, smoke, judge, project onto others, hate and hurt to get away from the pain. The space where you are stuck in your patterns and you keep repeating old and painful behavior. Why can’t you see me and love me in THIS place? Why can’t you be gentle, be with me in this place, instead of judging me? I hear so many stories of people about what they used to do. How they used alcohol, sleep, food, drugs and whatever to not feel. And so many times it comes with an attitude of now being in a better place, now being able to face those things bravely. Why can’t there be more attention and gentleness for this earlier stage? For this part of humanness? Can you even see how painful this state is? In how much isolation this part is, because it is so hated? Can you see how the idea of it being better to face your emotions hurts the part that is not able to yet? What about this part? What about me? Do you even see and honor me? Have you ever thanked me for all the protection I gave? For how I got you to the place where you are now?
I can just see how this part would be able to melt into light and love as soon as it is completely seen and honoured for what it does. I am in that process now. Seeing and honouring the part that runs away and isn’t ready to feel and take responsibiliity. And doing it from that space. But it is hard, because I feel so much hate and shame about it. There is a feeling of doing something terribly wrong, because as a ‘spiritual’ person, you should face your emotions and pain. And I feel the need to be recognized for what I am doing here and what I’m going through. So many people I follow and am friends with seem to be one step ahead of me. They are already in a place where they have done much inner work, and are able to dive into emotions while being able to stay present. And I am not. I am ashamed of that. I feel small. Young. Tiny. Stuck in a place that is so hated. I feel alone in this place.