Today is the day that I am leaving my house. I do not really have a fear of where I will sleep tonight. I have a different fear. I feel a really strong, uncomfortable feeling of lazyness and judgement towards myself.
“You are not doing anything. You are so fucking lazy.”
“You should be doing stuff. Work, study, bettering yourself. Anything.”
“You can’t live this way. Are you insane? Everyone has to work for a living, you have to do things you don’t like to survive in this world.”
I almost believe these thoughts. I feel uncomfortable asking someone for a place to sleep, because I feel I don’t deserve it. Shouldn’t I be working on myself? Shouldn’t I be creating something awesome for this planet? And what am I doing? Nothing. Feeling depressed and down and with little energy to do anything. These thoughts and feelings that arise are old ones. They come from the period of my life where I was so deeply depressed and anxious I couldn’t do anything but sleep, eat and hide in my bed. There was a lot of judgement from the outside (“Just go exercise, you will feel better”, “Why are you not doing this or that”). I felt like I should do something, and that I chose this state of depression by not doing anything. I felt like a horrible person.
And now I see: I did choose that state of depression. And it was perfect. It shouldn’t have been another way. I needed that depression, even though I can’t fully see yet what it has given me and will give me in the future. The judgement from outside (and inside) came from fear: fear of not being enough by just being. Fear of having to be worthy by working, by exercising, by being happy and doing things. If you are depressed, you are stripped of everything you are, being of no use to the outside world. The challenge is to feel worthy even in your depression. Especially in your depression, because it is you naked. It is you bare, having nothing to offer, just being. And why should this being in a state of depression be any less than being in a state of happiness? After all, it is just something that IS, something that happens that we observe, like any other state. And we hate it, because it’s so vulnerable. I think no state is more vulnerable than depression.
You are worthy in your depression. It is not something you should solve. It is another experience that you can be aware of. It doesn’t define you, but it is a state of vulnerability. Experiencing it is okay, it is not wrong. It might even be of worth to the world, showing that you don’t have to be happy, that you don’t have to be productive, that you don’t have to be kind, that you don’t have to do anything or be anyone else than you are right now.
You are worthy and loved, not despite your depression, but most of all IN your depression.